So I got all this shit in my head and I thought, what the hell? Its not like my mental problems are any kind of secret, plus it is better to let those demons out (in a safe way) than to hold them in. So what the fuck, here's me. Plus, none of you guys really know me....and if you do, well, who cares?

My problems began in my early teen years. I was abused in the worst way by my ex step father for several years. I am now almost 30 and it has take me decades to get to the point where I can even talk about this in any verbal or written sense.

I am planning on writing a book about it called WHY I'M MORE FUCKED UP THAN YOU but I don't know how that would sell.

When I was 12-14 I started running away from home, doing terrible things like drugs and generally being a horrible person and hoodrat. Then I got pregnant at 16 by a man who was a generally good person, just not to me. He liked to do things like throw me across the room and poor alchohol on my face. Ever had tequilla in the eyes? It sucks. Then 2 kids and 4 years later I left him, left the kids at my ex in laws

I got an education (yay, Im edumacated!), got remarried to another jerk (he liked to gamble, drink, and lie about it) and had my 3rd kid. So all my life I have allowed myself to be abused in one way or another, financially, physically, verbally and sexually.

The doctors have tried giving me tons of different drugs. I did lots of drugs on my own, too. Nearly half my life I have been on one drug or another, some legal some not. But nothing helped me as much as when a few years back I decided to get off my ass and help myself. I brought all my kids home. I met a good man. I threw those drugs out. I spent time with myself. I wrote down all the crazy shit in my head. I stopped taking drugs (both kinds). And I have never been better for it. I don't think I am well at all, but I do think that I am functional. I still can't quite pay my bills, I don't live in a nice house, and some days all we have in the cupboard is ramen noodles. But thats life, and I have learned to take life for what it is.

But there are still those days where I feel utterly hopeless. I feel worthless. I want to die. Those days I throw myself into my work and some of it turns out good, some of it turns out absolutely incoherrent---like this one does.

I'm feeling a little hopeless today. I need something to prove my worth to myself. I need to not be a victim of circumstance. I need to pay the rent, too.

I need to not be a victim because being a victim means that I am giving some other asshole control over my thoughts. That's just bs. I control myself. I am not a victim and refuse to think of myself in that way.